I spent all night last night until 8 reading The Time Traveler's Wife, and then some of today reading it as well. Honestly, don't read it. I probably shouldn't have. It has a lot of cursing and a lot of semi-graphic sex scenes in it.
I want to find out how it ends. Probably should just have watched the movie. That, at least is PG-13. I tried to help that girl today with family history again, but I was not on my game. She's going back to New Jersey tomorrow, and I felt badly. Sticking that much crud into my head didn't help anything. I think that I will need a serious detox after this.
Tonight after walking laps, roomie and I watched the Office and then Scrubs. Honestly, I've decided that Scrubs is 90% sexual innuendo. I was thinking, "Is the whole world so obsessed with sex?" I mean, it seems like it. I'm a virgin, and although I have done some kissing, I haven't done a lot of further things. What can I say? I'm trying to be good, and have held as fast as possible to this for a long time. I've had opportunities to do these things, but just because an opportunity for temptation presents itself doesn't mean that I need to do it.
I was listening to Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" for a few seconds on the radio, and while it has a super-catchy beat, and it's a fun-seeming song, the message is anything but that. I was thinking the other day in the shower that there are psychologists or pop-psychologists that say that good girls are attracted to bad boys. In my case, it's been the opposite. Men who started out with good character, and could have been magnificent, and yet they chose against it in the end. I met a couple of guys like this when I was much younger. Amazing, brilliant men with whom we'd been flirting for more than a year. They both finally got the guts to ask me out after I was done with the situations where we were around each other on a regular basis. Who they were then versus who they became years later (thanks FB for the updates?) hurts. Both of them try to be good in their own sphere, and I applaud that merit. It came down to the Church (no sex before marriage, alcohol, and other standards), and the Church won. Who would want me sans my basic moral fiber and personality? 90% of my life is tied up in the Church, and it has the potential of making me truly who I want to be. I can't give that up, and I honestly shouldn't have to worry about that. It's part of me. I'm all about lifting up the other partner, but not at the expense of my morals or testimony.
One of my favorite quotes from Eat, Pray, Love (the movie- Yes, I read the book beforehand) is "You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion!" I love the look that Julia Roberts gives to the Brazilian when he says this. Any woman loves a man who sees and comments on her goodness but in a beautifully flirtatious way, with no overt suggestive basis. I need a man who is tempered by his circumstances and yet still have passion for life. Although I may be quiet (not sure how I come off to people, honestly), I am fiery. I like to "blame" this on my Scottish background, but it's mainly my Mom.
Once in Institute a few years ago, the teachers asked for the whole "traits of the opposite companion" lists that they tend to do. I said, "Spunky!" and the whole room turned around and stared at me. I explained that I'm a fiery person, and I want a person who can keep up with me. The guys started grinning and the teacher got a grin, too. I'm not sure if they knew what to do with me, but it didn't matter. They had already listed various traits of kindness, gentility, etc., and those are good and necessary, but I need a guy who's got some umph! to him. Some gusto, joie de vivre, ganas, fortitude, and basic spunk. I probably have enough for a couple of people, but I want a man with whom I can be confident, but not fake. Someone with whom I don't necessarily compete, or better yet who understands that my competitive streak is only there due to upbringing and isn't something that I want to practice. I like Sim City classic because it's a one-player game and you try to build versus destroying things. I love to create. I hate to destroy. Maybe such a man doesn't exist. A guy who listens and who is kind when he needs to be, but who can be honest and tell me when I'm being dumb about something, but hopefully in a nice way. No, I'm not a lesbian, and I'm not looking for the "sensitive" type. I just want a guy who gets me and can accept me as I am. That's going to be tough.
Even saying all of this, I have run across guys who were sensitive, kind, thoughtful, etc. and I honestly did love them. At the same time, though, they weren't the right guy. Just weren't. One case that I can think of, the guy was amazing. I almost married him, but he called me up crying and told me that he had prayed and felt that God told him that there was someone else out there for me. I was stunned since I didn't realize that was his direct intention. He wasn't a member of the Church, but he knew that I was bound and determined to marry in the temple, and I wasn't about the marry a guy who joined the Church just for me. He knew all of that and was still highly considering the whole thing, enough to ask God about it. I think that it all hit me a few days later when I just started crying uncontrollably for at least a half hour and had no idea at the time why. Here's to shock.
The most recent guy valued me immeasurably, and I am ever-so grateful for that. He had "esteem for partner" down to an art form. No guy had treated me that well in years, or maybe ever. But there was just... something that I couldn't pin point that didn't work. He had already told me about his biggest trials and such, and that wasn't it. There was a pain there that I couldn't fix, couldn't solve, and honestly could do nothing about. I couldn't do what he needed.
Sometimes I come into people's lives unexpectedly and make a dent. In other's lives I may as well not exist, but I know that I have always tried to leave these men better than I found them. I try to do that with everyone, although it works only part of the time. Life is not always kind. But there's that little "endure to the end" phrase that I've learned means to keep up your pluckiness. Be the person that you and God want you to be. Keep trying. Keep working. Keep striving. No matter how hard, long, or nasty the road, it all works out in the end. I tend to think of Lord of the Rings in Return of the King, with Gandalf the White, after he essentially comes back from the dead and he's on a the parapet with Merrywether Took, and Merrywether is nervous about dying. Gandalf talks about the next country in such loving terms that you remember that maybe it's not really the end that hurts. I am hesitant to share this, but something that I learned from my Mother's death is that fear has no place in love, and also that death is only a graduation. Most people fear it cause they're not ready for it. A few people, like my Mom, do their utmost and finally get the appreciation and the rewards that they deserve for a life lived in service to others. Death is not something I fear. It feels golden and beautiful, but in the meantime, I need to slog it out here and fight against the wicked Sauron's of the world (such as those who try to influence media in a way that does not have any values whatsoever) who would bring to the world a darkness far worse than death.
While never getting married has been a fear in the past, I am doing my best to get over it, and maybe to try not falling in love quite so easily with single guys that I know who aren't my future husband. Yeah, fat chance on that one. I just hope that when he does come around, which who knows when that will be, that I won't treat him like all other guys whom I had mad crushes on that never panned out. I'd love to be around a man who was proud of me, and to whom I could go to for honest and good advice. Someone who Dale Carnegie mentions as having "horse sense."
I want a man. A good one. Someone who wants a woman who will live her life to help him in any aspect that he needs. Someone who wants to honor and cherish him her whole life, but is not about to make a dumb mistake and just marry a guy because he's a good guy. There has to be more than that. There must be a certainty, clearer than crystal, that he's right for me. Only then would I give it a fair shake. I want a man with the same standards, values and beliefs as my parents. Someone with goals in life who can take me to the temple. Any less will not do. This is not asking too much. It is asking a man to rise and Be men! Strong understanding and of a good courage. Someone who fights for the right, and who isn't afraid of it, but doesn't act zany about it. Someone who understands protocol (who works within the system to change it when needed, or gets societal rules or asks when he doesn't know) and someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life. Someone who hopefully, we don't hate each other, and who when the chips are down knows that we can do this thing. It's probably a lot to ask, but I just hope someday that a guy reading this will see himself and feel commitment and challenge to be a better man or to let me explain. I just hope that it works out.
Tomorrow night, my roomie and I are having a card games night, and tomorrow during the day I am making two dozen cookies and cleaning the house. Whew! Yeah, not probably getting any "actual" work done(as in genealogy business), but I hope that we shall have a very clean house when it is over, and some good old card games ready to go for festivities. Not sure who, or if anyone will come. I'd love it if they did, but in the meantime, there will be Adzuki bean chips, regular tortilla chips, Jack's salsa, hummus, cranberry-raspberry 100% juice, and the 130-year-old cookie recipe of my Mom's. I've seen the original recipe, and I've seen my Mom's. She's tweaked it, and I like her version better. Just need to be careful about the chocolate. We shall see. So, here's to a party night followed up by a Wednesday full of packing!
And that's all she wrote.
Love to the man of my dreams, should he exist,
The Genealogy Doctor
PS- Yes, I know that I'm a romantic.
I want to find out how it ends. Probably should just have watched the movie. That, at least is PG-13. I tried to help that girl today with family history again, but I was not on my game. She's going back to New Jersey tomorrow, and I felt badly. Sticking that much crud into my head didn't help anything. I think that I will need a serious detox after this.
Tonight after walking laps, roomie and I watched the Office and then Scrubs. Honestly, I've decided that Scrubs is 90% sexual innuendo. I was thinking, "Is the whole world so obsessed with sex?" I mean, it seems like it. I'm a virgin, and although I have done some kissing, I haven't done a lot of further things. What can I say? I'm trying to be good, and have held as fast as possible to this for a long time. I've had opportunities to do these things, but just because an opportunity for temptation presents itself doesn't mean that I need to do it.
I was listening to Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" for a few seconds on the radio, and while it has a super-catchy beat, and it's a fun-seeming song, the message is anything but that. I was thinking the other day in the shower that there are psychologists or pop-psychologists that say that good girls are attracted to bad boys. In my case, it's been the opposite. Men who started out with good character, and could have been magnificent, and yet they chose against it in the end. I met a couple of guys like this when I was much younger. Amazing, brilliant men with whom we'd been flirting for more than a year. They both finally got the guts to ask me out after I was done with the situations where we were around each other on a regular basis. Who they were then versus who they became years later (thanks FB for the updates?) hurts. Both of them try to be good in their own sphere, and I applaud that merit. It came down to the Church (no sex before marriage, alcohol, and other standards), and the Church won. Who would want me sans my basic moral fiber and personality? 90% of my life is tied up in the Church, and it has the potential of making me truly who I want to be. I can't give that up, and I honestly shouldn't have to worry about that. It's part of me. I'm all about lifting up the other partner, but not at the expense of my morals or testimony.
One of my favorite quotes from Eat, Pray, Love (the movie- Yes, I read the book beforehand) is "You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion!" I love the look that Julia Roberts gives to the Brazilian when he says this. Any woman loves a man who sees and comments on her goodness but in a beautifully flirtatious way, with no overt suggestive basis. I need a man who is tempered by his circumstances and yet still have passion for life. Although I may be quiet (not sure how I come off to people, honestly), I am fiery. I like to "blame" this on my Scottish background, but it's mainly my Mom.
Once in Institute a few years ago, the teachers asked for the whole "traits of the opposite companion" lists that they tend to do. I said, "Spunky!" and the whole room turned around and stared at me. I explained that I'm a fiery person, and I want a person who can keep up with me. The guys started grinning and the teacher got a grin, too. I'm not sure if they knew what to do with me, but it didn't matter. They had already listed various traits of kindness, gentility, etc., and those are good and necessary, but I need a guy who's got some umph! to him. Some gusto, joie de vivre, ganas, fortitude, and basic spunk. I probably have enough for a couple of people, but I want a man with whom I can be confident, but not fake. Someone with whom I don't necessarily compete, or better yet who understands that my competitive streak is only there due to upbringing and isn't something that I want to practice. I like Sim City classic because it's a one-player game and you try to build versus destroying things. I love to create. I hate to destroy. Maybe such a man doesn't exist. A guy who listens and who is kind when he needs to be, but who can be honest and tell me when I'm being dumb about something, but hopefully in a nice way. No, I'm not a lesbian, and I'm not looking for the "sensitive" type. I just want a guy who gets me and can accept me as I am. That's going to be tough.
Even saying all of this, I have run across guys who were sensitive, kind, thoughtful, etc. and I honestly did love them. At the same time, though, they weren't the right guy. Just weren't. One case that I can think of, the guy was amazing. I almost married him, but he called me up crying and told me that he had prayed and felt that God told him that there was someone else out there for me. I was stunned since I didn't realize that was his direct intention. He wasn't a member of the Church, but he knew that I was bound and determined to marry in the temple, and I wasn't about the marry a guy who joined the Church just for me. He knew all of that and was still highly considering the whole thing, enough to ask God about it. I think that it all hit me a few days later when I just started crying uncontrollably for at least a half hour and had no idea at the time why. Here's to shock.
The most recent guy valued me immeasurably, and I am ever-so grateful for that. He had "esteem for partner" down to an art form. No guy had treated me that well in years, or maybe ever. But there was just... something that I couldn't pin point that didn't work. He had already told me about his biggest trials and such, and that wasn't it. There was a pain there that I couldn't fix, couldn't solve, and honestly could do nothing about. I couldn't do what he needed.
Sometimes I come into people's lives unexpectedly and make a dent. In other's lives I may as well not exist, but I know that I have always tried to leave these men better than I found them. I try to do that with everyone, although it works only part of the time. Life is not always kind. But there's that little "endure to the end" phrase that I've learned means to keep up your pluckiness. Be the person that you and God want you to be. Keep trying. Keep working. Keep striving. No matter how hard, long, or nasty the road, it all works out in the end. I tend to think of Lord of the Rings in Return of the King, with Gandalf the White, after he essentially comes back from the dead and he's on a the parapet with Merrywether Took, and Merrywether is nervous about dying. Gandalf talks about the next country in such loving terms that you remember that maybe it's not really the end that hurts. I am hesitant to share this, but something that I learned from my Mother's death is that fear has no place in love, and also that death is only a graduation. Most people fear it cause they're not ready for it. A few people, like my Mom, do their utmost and finally get the appreciation and the rewards that they deserve for a life lived in service to others. Death is not something I fear. It feels golden and beautiful, but in the meantime, I need to slog it out here and fight against the wicked Sauron's of the world (such as those who try to influence media in a way that does not have any values whatsoever) who would bring to the world a darkness far worse than death.
While never getting married has been a fear in the past, I am doing my best to get over it, and maybe to try not falling in love quite so easily with single guys that I know who aren't my future husband. Yeah, fat chance on that one. I just hope that when he does come around, which who knows when that will be, that I won't treat him like all other guys whom I had mad crushes on that never panned out. I'd love to be around a man who was proud of me, and to whom I could go to for honest and good advice. Someone who Dale Carnegie mentions as having "horse sense."
I want a man. A good one. Someone who wants a woman who will live her life to help him in any aspect that he needs. Someone who wants to honor and cherish him her whole life, but is not about to make a dumb mistake and just marry a guy because he's a good guy. There has to be more than that. There must be a certainty, clearer than crystal, that he's right for me. Only then would I give it a fair shake. I want a man with the same standards, values and beliefs as my parents. Someone with goals in life who can take me to the temple. Any less will not do. This is not asking too much. It is asking a man to rise and Be men! Strong understanding and of a good courage. Someone who fights for the right, and who isn't afraid of it, but doesn't act zany about it. Someone who understands protocol (who works within the system to change it when needed, or gets societal rules or asks when he doesn't know) and someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life. Someone who hopefully, we don't hate each other, and who when the chips are down knows that we can do this thing. It's probably a lot to ask, but I just hope someday that a guy reading this will see himself and feel commitment and challenge to be a better man or to let me explain. I just hope that it works out.
Tomorrow night, my roomie and I are having a card games night, and tomorrow during the day I am making two dozen cookies and cleaning the house. Whew! Yeah, not probably getting any "actual" work done(as in genealogy business), but I hope that we shall have a very clean house when it is over, and some good old card games ready to go for festivities. Not sure who, or if anyone will come. I'd love it if they did, but in the meantime, there will be Adzuki bean chips, regular tortilla chips, Jack's salsa, hummus, cranberry-raspberry 100% juice, and the 130-year-old cookie recipe of my Mom's. I've seen the original recipe, and I've seen my Mom's. She's tweaked it, and I like her version better. Just need to be careful about the chocolate. We shall see. So, here's to a party night followed up by a Wednesday full of packing!
And that's all she wrote.
Love to the man of my dreams, should he exist,
The Genealogy Doctor
PS- Yes, I know that I'm a romantic.
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